ARTICLE: J.Lo and the “N” word

J.Lo and the “N” word (By DAP)

And DAP Says…
“Now The Editorial I’m Writing Is Hotter Than July
(Looked Up And I Didn’t See No Ribbon In The Sky!!!)”

In the beginning, there were many… As time went on, there became few…Now there is only one… One man… ONE DJ… standing alone… on Mount Olympus… Ladies and gentlemen… DJ JAZZY DAAAAAAP!!!!!

Ok, So I’m not a DJ!!!! But I am writing this column. Once again ’tis I, ‘The Grand Jambalizer’, Funkin’ Lesson Brother D. And I am stepping to you not in blackness, nor am I crip walkin’. Nay, I am coming to you in DAPNESS!!! Ahhh…

Yes, my friends, we have reached the half-way point of this ‘ting we call ‘Summer'(for those who can’t think worth a damn, that means we’re ending the month of July, ok??? ;=>). Anyway, let me drop science upon you silly mortals and dispel the information that you all most badly need and desire… well, atleast I’m hopin’ you do, otherwise I better just shut the hell up and go get a real job!!!!!!!!

Current Events
By now, most of you have heard about Jennifer Lopez using the ‘N-word’ in that duet with Ja-Rule. Yeah, it’s ignorant because she knows that most cats are gonna be pissed, whether she grew up ’round the way or not. But, then again, let’s be real, people: Don’t use that word like it’s your last name, then get heated whern somebody else uses it. However, knowing how people are nowadays, it really doesn’t matter what my opinion is because people are gonna use that word anyway whether they’re a BET comic, an extra in the long awaited sequel to ‘Menace II Society’, or just a plain old, banjo strummin’, ‘You Sho’ Got a Purty Mouth’ – talkin’, sheep humpin’, asshole!!!!!!!! On the other hand, USE YOUR COMMON SENSE, PEOPLE. Think before you say things that you don’t want to catch an ass-whoopin’ for!!!! GOD did not give you a mind just to destroy your brain cells from excessive alcohol and weed, okey-day??????

Music
By now, most of ya’ll have heard about this great ‘Hip-Hop Summit’ that occured these past few weeks. I understand why cats from Chuck D to Russell Simmons feel that they have to do this, but ask yourself: Do you really think people are actually gonna follow whatever advice that was said that day???

Also, why isn’t the music industry goin’ apeshit about all the crazy ish that’s gone down in Rock(i.e., Woodstock riot, a gang of rockers dying from Heroin ODs, etc.)??? Think about it: When’s the last time you ever heard about Axl Rose, Steve Tyler, Fred Durst,or Ozzy ‘Frickin’ Osbourne meeting together to build a ‘positive structure’ to rock music?????? Bottom Line, let me say a few things to fans, musicians (rockers and rappers alike), and anybody else that’s reading this right now: PLEASE STOP THE FUCKIN’ SHIT!!!!! To all you rockers that never liked Hip-Hop anyway, fuck you and may you please just make your music your way and let Puffy, Jay-Z, and the rest (whether they suck or not) do their thing and keep your opinions to yourself…you jealous muthafuckas!!!!

Conversely, I like to say fuck you to all you rappers out there, who always rhyme about that gangsta stuff when you know that you never did any of that stuff in the first place, wear some bright-ass colored pants and shirts while wearing more gold than Mr. T’s cousin (Be like T and stop the Jibber Jabber!!!!), and can’t get past sampling something that was last heard from the soundtrack to ‘Square Pegs'(*I swear that if if I hear somebody sampling ‘Flock of Seagulls’, I’m gonna personally Miss Cleo and put some roots ‘pon you*). I want the music that I love and support to be evolve, dammit!!!! I wanna see some rap-Country hybrid tunes out there, like a Willie Nelson/Cypress Hill or a Dixie Chicks/DMX combo. I wanna see Bill Gates become so obssesed with this music that he wants to start a new label, featuring Craig Mack, rhymin’ to some beats courtesy of Microsoft’s latest product: ‘WinHoes Timbalator v. 69’ (That way, we will never have to hear Timbaland’s ‘Drum N Bass’ bitin’ ass ever again!!!!!). And most importantly, I want Hip-Hop to become so powerful that one day, we will see Christopher Reeve not only walk again, not only tryin’ to Crip Walk, but be able to do the ‘Windmill’ and start a new career as part of the new broadyway hit: ‘Lord of The Pop-Lockers 2015′(Get your tickets now!!!!)

Personally, I’m am tired, tired, tired of hearing every Britney, Christina, and Eden’s Crush clone out there always trying to hit the high notes like they’re trying to bring back Minnie Ripperton back to life one moment, then trying that ‘singy-songy rapping’ style over the latest beat that was obviously jacked from the ‘late 80s/New Jack Swing/Soul II Soul’ music catalog the next(if any of you readers agree with this, I will gladly pay the first person 20 dollars if they can hit Jessica Simpson upside the head with a Conart spraycan for doing that ‘Irresisitible remix’ set to ‘Why You Treat Me So Bad?’.)

Final Thoughts
Well, I fulfilled my 250-word quota this month, so I’ll stop. But before I do, let me say some random things:

– Is it a great time to be a Pro wrestling fan or what?? By the time that this column is read, the WWF will have completed their PPV show, ‘Invasion’. It features many cats who wrestled at one time or another in WWF, WCW, and ECW. This is the ultimate wrestling wet dream here, baby bubba!!!!!!

– Why is UPN doing an Americanized version of ‘Iron Chefs’???

– MTV will be on the air for 20 years now. Gee, it’s great to know that they have continued serving the public with some average singers/groups, by ignoring an immensely popular, musicial subgenre long enough for them to figure out how to make profits out of it and then water it down for all the world to see, and by creating stuff that has nothing to do with music, but becomes so popular than the videos that they end up taking it off the air. Yup, “MTV: You Hear it First” alright…after they rape it and turn into the latest shopping mall item.

And finally
Can somebody please tell Beyonce to stop… Millie Jackson just called and she said that if she doesn’t return that weave in 30 days, she’s gonna lay the smackdown on her ‘Bootylicious, Survivor’ ass!!!!

Ok… me hungry, me gone!!!!!

-DAP

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