DAP – THE DAP REPORT
Volume 4 – 2001 review
And DAP Says……
“What We Gonna Do Right Here Is Go Back”
Greetings, Mi Damies y Dillies. This is the Admiral DAPster, wishing one and all a belated Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, a blessed Kwanzaa, and a healthy, safe New Year. OK, enough of that ‘happy, happy, joy, joy’ crap!!! I’m here to take each and everyone of you on a journey… back into time.
So, come and let me tell you of a story of high adventure as we look back at the year of 2001. Is it me or didn’t 2001 SUCKED????? Dear GOD, what were You thinking??? You are all powerful and all knowing, yet You couldn’t use Your infinite wisdom, compassion, and Glory to fix this year!!!!!!!
Now before you cats excommunicate my witty, unpredictable, natural talented and sarcastic ass, let’s review, shall we??? (Note: Pay attention because you may need to know this for a test or if you become a contestant on ‘The Weakest Link’).
Let’s see, in the year of our Lord 2001, we witnessed: A shady election, the appointment of George W. Bush by the Supreme Court, an economic recession, an energy crisis in California, Gary Condit’s cheatin’ ass all over the news, Jesse Jackson revealed as someone’s ‘Baby Daddy’, Puffy… excuse me… ‘P- Diddy’ found not guilty of gun charges, Vince McMahon buying out World Championship Wrestling, Aaliyah dying in a plane crash, the lady who played the ‘Oracle’ from ‘The Matrix’ dying due to diabetes, massive terrorist attacks on New York and The Pentagon, the destruction of the World Trade Center, the deaths of thousands of people, a war in Afghanistan and abroad, Bush getting a 90% approval rating, the passing of several anti-terrorism laws which contradict the concept of ‘due process’ and ‘civil liberty’ in this country, several media and government entities attacked with Anthrax, and the loss of jobs and cutbacks everywhere.
Yup, 2001 screwed us all like a bit actor in a porno movie and to quote Ice Cube, it was done with ‘No Vaseline’. Fuck ‘A Space Odyssesy’, this year was a ‘What-The-Fuck-Happened-And-What-Else-Can-Go-Wrong Oddity’!!!! I bet you my last unemployment check that Arthur C. Clarke is kicking himself in his ass right now. Who needs HAL 9000 when you got Osama Bin Laden???
Well, 2001 wasn’t all that bad. We saw the Lakers win another NBA title (and hopefully, they’ll get one more in 2002), Lennox Lewis losing and regaining the boxing crown whilst showing the world how a fighter is supposed to act, Serena and Venus Williams kickin’ everybody’s ass in Tennis (they kicked so much ass, they can use it as a tax write-off), the return of the Michaels (Jackson and Jordan, that is), the long-awaited release of ‘Lord Of The Rings’ film (and two more coming soon), Denzel Washington playing a bad guy like his name was Samuel L. Jackson, and all kinds of other ish that I forgot, didn’t know, or just didn’t give a damn to worry about in the first place.
Let’s hope that we’ll become wise enough to learn from our mistakes this year so that we can be harder, faster, better, stronger in 2002!!!!!! And now,let me finish up with some year-end rants:
– Why was ’24 Hours’ shown on every fuckin’ TV channel ever created by man??Why is ‘Buffy’ still on the air, but not Jamie Foxx?
– Why did everybody shit on the XFL??? It could’ve been huge….’American Gladiators’ Huge!!!!!
– I’ve seen the future of cartoons… his name is Samurai Jack!!
– I’ve seen the future of sitcoms and his name is Bernie Mack.
– Is it me or does this ‘Nas/Jay Z’ feud another sign that nobody learned jack from those Hip-Hop Summits conducted this year??
– What the fuck was Ice Cube thinking when he made ‘Ghosts Of Mars’??? I hope you boned Natasha Henstridge for making that flick, O’Shea.
– Snoop Dogg has a career in movies… as long as he doesn’t do anymore movies like ‘Bones’ or ‘The Wash’. There’s goes $4.50 of my life I won’t get back!!!!!!
– ‘How High’… Go SEE it. It will change your life or make you laugh out loud ’til your ass falls off!!!!!
– The new Wu-Tang album… ain’t nothin’ wrong with that!!!!!
– If Jay Z would’ve released that ‘Unplugged’ album before he sampled Annie, I would’ve had a little more respect for his ass!!!
– Will Smith playing Muhammad Ali… WHY????????
– Harry Potter is the new Pokemon.
– Pootie Tang is funny, if you get the jokes or have a messed up sense of humor as Chris Rock… Sah-Da Tay!!!!!!
– Where the fuck was Miss Cleo at when all this bad stuff was goin’ down this year????
Before I leave, let me anounce one last thing: I would like to take this opportunity and announce the winner of the first ever ‘Jambalaya/IceBerg Slim Memorial Pimp of the Year’ award. This award is given to one person who has utilized his or her ability to make a lot of money or garner attention while making countless others work for him or her. Previous winners include Pootie Tang, Dan Rather, Kool Keith, and the most recognized winner, Stone Cold Steve Austin (The ‘Original’ #1 Stunna).
This year featured many people to choose from. However, after much deliberation and thought, this year’s winner is a man who epitomizes the concept of makin’ money off of other people. Yes, this man has been part of the game for the past 25 years. This man has seen his business grow from the northeastern part of the country to become a worldwide phenomenon. Although he has suffered setbacks here and there, he has persevered and still gains success. And In 2002, it seems that there’sno stopping him. Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to give this year’s ‘Pimp of the Year Award’ to: WWF Ceo Vincent K. McMahon, Jr.
Well, that’s it y’all. Props are due to Flash, Mike, Devoya, DJ 4AM, Durrell, A to the L and the entire Alt.rap, RMHH and Jambalaya posses. Also, special thanks to the city of Fresno!!!! And A big ‘FUCK YOU!!!!’ goes out to my former landlord and her assistant, Delores Sulenta and Diane Lozano… you are two of the biggest bitches I’ve ever known!!!!!!!