First quarter report 2002 (By DAP)
And DAP Says…
“The Column’s Still Free But I Still Need Money, Oh Yeah!!!!”
“Cause the whole, world, loves it when you don’t get down
And the whole, world, loves it when you make that sound
And the whole, world, loves it when you’re in the news
And the whole, world, loves it when you sang the blues”
OutKast – “The Whole World”
Well, it’s here. We are now in the middle of the first quarter of the new year that is 2002. By the time, most of you read this, it’ll be March or April (possibly June, those who read the Jambalaya newsletter… sorry for the delay. Talk to Dee about that…*LOL*). In the meantime, I am DAP… and writing sarcastic, smart-ass columns is MY ANTI-DRUG!!!!
Now, I thought I would talk about today, for your consideration, this thing we call life, as the world turns. And, as we read the scriptures and watch TV, we all know that thew world DOES TURN…but can somebody tell me what the hell is goin’ on????
JEEZ!!! I thought we left all that BS behind last year!!! It’s not even Summer yet and we gotta deal with the fact that:
(1) Bin Laden is not caught yet,
(2) Enron fucked over a whole mess of people and there’s NOT A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT (Gotta Love ‘White Collar Crime’ ya’ll… it’s GANGSTA!!!!!!),
(3) Bush is still popular,
(4) SNL is still on the air,
(5) Bill O’Reilly is still a know-it-all, anal retentive asshole and, most importantly
(6) Puffy… oops, P-Diddy ain’t goin’ nowhere ’cause he’s a Bad Boy 4 life…
But, fret not, fellow Alt.rappers & Jambalayans. Things are picking up: Many cats I know from High School and College are getting married or have started families of their own; many people are graduating from college with either a Bachelor or Master degrees if not both; and most importantly, my Rappin’ Duke likin’ ass is finally working again!!!!!!
However, I’ll still be doin’ this writing ish because it’s fun, I can do this like Brutus and just when I try to get out, it’s keeps pulling me back in!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, let’s get into some headlines:
So, Bush has announced that a threat to our way of life is the ‘Axis Of Evil’. Ok, granted, Iraq and all those other countries are ran by a bunch of ruthless mutha-bitches, but come on??? ‘Axis Of Evil’ Sorry, but wasn’t that the group who fought the Superfriends every Saturday Morning??? Anyway, let’s hope that Sir Bush 2.0 won’t be sendin’ our asses to World War 3!!!!!!!!!
The only I gotta say is… Celebrity Boxing was DOOOOPE!!!!! Damn, only on Fox can you see old, washed-up, already-done-used-their-last-15-minutes-of-fame degenrates kick some major bootay, UFC-style. I gots to give props to Todd ‘Watchoo Talkin’ ‘Bout Willis???’ Bridges for doing something, that every rapper from Hammer to 3rd Bass wanted to do: WHOOP VANILLA ICE’S ASS!!!!! Also, Tonya Harding deserves some respect too. She may be Trailer Trash, but baby gots a mean right hook. Now, all we needs is the ultimate battle between Hillary and Monica to satisfy my bloodlust!!!!!! Moving on, let me discuss the Oscars. By the time many of ryou read this, those blasted Hollywood freaks will be kissin’ each other’s ass, when in fact they can’t stand each other, whilst gicving away some cheap, imitation gold awards. anyway, I’m glad Denzel, Halle, and Will were nominated and all, but my gut and cynicism tells me that they won’t get JACK!!! So, prepare yourselves for Russell ‘OVERRATED’ Crowe and Moulin Rouge winnin’ it all…
Well, let me finish this shit with some quick thoughts:
– It’s the 80’s all over again, people. There’s a show on TV called ‘That’s 80s Show’, The Go-Gos have come back, the country’s in dire economic straits and our ‘Fearless Leaders’ in Washington, and elsewhere, are thinking of using Nuclear weapons. Also, GI Joe and Transformers are back in the comic books and hopefully, on TV… well, it ain’t too bad, but possible death by bioterrorism or extreme radiation is sure putting a damper on things!!!!
– I just got one to say about R Kelly: if the story is true, how come Mr. Biggs hasn’t beaten his ass already?? DAMN!! you think after getting his legs broke and getting caught for being ‘Contagious’ to the ‘Down Low’ would teach him somethin’…
– GO WATCH ‘The Bernie Mac Show’… fuck the other shows!!!!!!
You mean to tell me Miss Cleo is phony????? Damn… I’m shocked!!! Well, that explains why my spirtual guidance Dexter Manley LivingStoned hasn’t been in contact with me; last I heard, he was in Argentina trying to find Kurtis Blow.
Until then, wash from front to back, ya’ll!!!!!