ARTICLE: Graduation Report

Graduation report (By DAP)

And DAP Says…
“Don’t Worry ‘Bout Goin’ To Summer School. Just Read My Column and You’ll Get All The Knowledge You’ll Need”

“And think of the summers of the past
Adjust the base and let the alpine blast
Pop in my CD and let me run a rhyme
And put your car on cruise and lay back cause this is summertime.”
DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince – “Summertime” (1991)

Well, well, well!!!! I can’t believe that it’s been 1 year to the day that I began writing these corny-ass, sarcastic, tryin’-to-be- funny-but-informative columns.

Anyway, most of you will be out of high school and/or college by the time this comes out. So, let me give you my own rendition of a graduating valedictorian speech. Please, pay attention and spread the wisdom around. You may need it for life, work or if you ever get on a game show or some shit like that!!!!!

So, Ladies and Gentleman, of the graduating class of 2002, I have 1 piece of advice for you: No matter how much it upsets you, Pimps don’t have to pay Taxes. NONE!!! Yeah, they got the hoes, the cars, the money, the loud-ass colored clothes, the big cars and hats with the platform shoes, and they SHOULD. But, they don’t pay taxes.

Don’t go to a ‘special religious ceremony’ that requires you to get rid of all your possessions, money, family and possibly, your life. Sure you may get spiritual enlightment, but that don’t mean shit when you’re dead, wearin’ a purple cloth over your head and wearin’ some Nikes that nobody hasn’t seen since the last episode of ‘What’s Happening’. You’ll probably look stupid!!!

Cut that goofy-ass goatee from you’re face. It doesn’t make you look macho!!!!

Just because a woman wears a ‘Starter’ shirt, eats a bowl of Wheaties and watches ‘WWE Smackdown’, that doesn’t make her a winner!!!!

Just because a brotha can afford the latest Playstation 2, a DVD, SUV, a VCR, a PDA, and can order PPV’s like there’s no tomorrow, that doesn’t make him a player!!!!!

Wynonna Ryder couldn’t have possibly committed shoplifting. Shannen Doherty did that shit!!!!

I just got two things to say for Bill Maher: I bet you feel dumb now and Subway is hiring!!!!

Undercover Brother is funny.

Bill O’Reilly is still an asshole!!!!

It’s best to be pissed off than to be pissed on. However, if your ass likes to be pissed on, then take your ass on somewhere and get some counselling before it’s too late Ain’t that right, R. Kelly???

John Ashcroft has 2 things in common with tampons: (1) They support Bush and (2) They’re both irritating.

The “Porky’s” movies… ain’t nothing’ wrong with that!!!!!

Star Wars – Episode 2 is dope for two things: Yoda kickin’ ass and Natalie Portman wearing a skintight bodysuit. You can see her nipples, B!!!

I don’t mind them making a live-action ‘Scooby Doo’ movie. I don’t mind that Outkast did a song for the soundtrack. But, for the love of GOD, why did they have to dress Freddie Prinze, Jr. like that??? He’s as fruity as a bottle of Chardonnay, man!!!!!!

Some of these things I’ve said may be dumb. Some of the things may be lame, and they may offend you!!!

But, regardless of how you feel, just remember this: I’m writing this and I’ll say whatever the fuck I want!!! I’m like a Saturday morning hair appointment: All the ladies want me and I can fit into their schedule.

And remember this bit of reality: Pimps don’t pay taxes. None!!!!

You’re Welcome.

-DAP

P.S. Tell the manager and staff at Parkwood Apartments I said to go to Hell!!!

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