ARTICLE: Responding to responses

Responding to responses (By Los Gigantes)

I’m Los Gigantes. Questioning my credentials? I regularly write for HHC (remember the article on hip-hop in Scotland? That’s me), The Source (I write all the Benzino & Made Men articles), Gardeners’ Weekly and Cosmo (remember ’20 ways to tell that you have a yeast infection’? What about ’20 ways to tell that you have got a bucket pussy’?) so Adcunt, the only thing that is pretty dry is your mama after I’ve finished shafting her with a blunt rusty meat cleaver and a 2kg bag of industrial sand. If you don’t like me, go play on a railway you wee numptie.

Ahem.

One of my favourite websites has closed down. It used to be my one stop shop for all the entertainment I needed, all the new sounds I wanted to hear and all the new music I wanted to download, burn and sell on a street corner. That’s right; the pieces of shit that are the RIAA, which is an acronym for Robbing Independent Artists of ways of getting cheap exposure in America (and the rest of the world) have shut down Audiogalaxy. How else am I gonna make my crack money if I can’t sell pirated CDs I’ve downloaded from audiogalaxy? Thanks to Eminem for bitching like a big old bitch. And Metallica. That said, the Eminem show being leaked meant I was able to buy enough crack to receive a free crack whore for 4 weeks. That’ll give Adcunt’s mom something to do for the next month.

Lil’ Bow Wow, sorry, Bow Wow has got to go and re-record his new album. ¾ the way through recording, his balls have dropped. Expect him to be dropped from SoSo Def soon a la Kris Kross soon. JD only likes them when they have a higher voice than him. Speaking of being dropped by record labels, I have been dropped after my new album didn’t manage to sell one copy (sometimes false beef doesn’t sell records, ask Corn Mega or Nature) so fuck this shit; I’m releasing my own shit independently. The label will be called Definitely Juxtapositions Succeed or Def Jux Sux for short. I’m going to dye my hair and pre-pubescent facial hair ginger. This means I’ll be able to sample my own farting and pots clanging to make a beat and rap over it as though it’s running at 192 BPM even though it’s running at 86 and bespectacled 14 year old, sponsored by Jansport backpacks, HHI posting white kids from Ohio will call me the saviour of hip-hop. Looking forward to being called up by DJ Shadow asking to do some ‘leftfield’ remixes.

I’m really feeling Nelly at the moment. Lyrically he is one of the cleverest in the game right now. He manages to get the name of his clothing line Vokal into Hot in Herrrrrrrrre over 8 times. That’s lyrical dexterity right there homeskillet. Speaking of lyrical dexterity, one of the few ‘rappers’ in the game who actually admits freely that he doesn’t write his own lyrics, instead he employs a crack team of South African baboons to write his shit is actually the world’s richest rapper. Dr Andre Young PhD earned $51.9m last year. That’s more than those dead English fags The Beatles (didn’t one of them just marry captain peg leg or something? I thought they were all dead). That should keep Dre in young, blonde haired white men for the rest of his life.

Chuck D sucks. Tenacious D sucks. Sunny D sucks. Notice any similarity? I’m off to ghostwrite Big Lurch’s new album ‘We Don’t Love Dem Hoes (We Eat Them)’ This week, you can see me exposing myself to young children in parks around the world.

““““““““““““““““““““““`
Lotsa Love,
Los Gigantes
““““““““““““““““““““““`

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *