28 wit an L (By DAP)
And DAP Says…
“We Only Got One Life to Live Til It’s Done, So Take Your Time And Walk That Line (Or Notes From A Brotha That’s Doin’ 28 Wit’ An L)”
“Memories don’t live like people do
They always remember you
Whether things are good or bad,
Its just the memories…”
Mos Def – “Travelin’ Man”
Well, ya’ll, I made it. I still quite surprised, but I made it. If you haven’t figured it out, let me run it down and unravel my pedigree…
By the time most of you read this, your friendly neighborhood “Net Writer”, DAP, will have turned 28 years old on September 6th.
Yup, I’ve been on this earth for the past quarter of a century plus 3 years. That means I have seen everything from the LA Riots of ’92 to the Million Man March of ’95 to the Hogan-Andre The Giant confrontation at Wrestlemania 3 in ’87. Now, most of this stuff I’ve seen on TV, but who gives a fuck!!!!
The point is I’ve celebrated my birthday and I feel… quite good. Although I haven’t gotten the world and everything in it like Tony Montana, I am still content that I am still here amongst friends, family, enemies and the rest of ya’ll… and I didn’t even have to catch a slug in the back of the head like Scarface (the movie guy, NOT the rapper) in order to be known either.
So, since I’m in such a good mood, I’d thought I would take this time and share some ‘Talking Points’ that I’ve broken down, reflecting my 28-year tenure of life. Hopefully, you may agree with them, laugh at them, debate them among yourselves or ignore them. Either way, I’m still writing this column for altrap, it’s my perogative and I don’t act all snippy, whiny, two-faced or an overall schmuck like Bill O’Reilly and the rest of the Fox News Cast!!!!!
Anyway, here are some things I’d like to call: “DAP’s 28 Points to Life (or What I’ve Learned So Far!!!!)”
28. I’ve learned that as you get older, you will remember the things you wanna forget and forget the things you need to know. I wanna say more about this, but I can’t remember…
27. I’ve learned that you can be mediocre as hell in academics, politics, business and be an all-around underachiever, but can still succeed as long as your mommy or daddy is from a well-to-do, rich, famous-for-the-name-alone environment… ain’t that right, Dubya???
26. I’ve learned that Honey Nuts Cheerios are the most effective way to deal with having the munchies… and taste good even in water.
25. Regardless of the advances in technology, today’s cartoons will never be as popular as the ’80s Shows’. GI Joe, Transformers, He-Man, Jem, Rainbow Brite, ThunderCATS and the rest STILL RULE!!!!!
24. Jar-Jar Binks and Jimmie ‘JJ’ Walker (AKA ‘Kid Dynomite’) are the same muthafucka!!!!!!
23. Despite working hard, there are people who do a half-ass job and still get more recognition than I do.
22. It’s not that Public Enemy became outdated, it’s the fact that everybody else stopped caring.
21. Despite the trend of ignorance, over-the-top imagery and just lame-ass copying in the present time, Hip-Hop music and its subforms SAVED THE ENTIRE MUSIC INDUSTRY!!!!!!!
20. Vince MacMahon and Bishop Don ‘the Magic’ Juan got things in common: they both can’t dress, they act like clowns, and they got all the money!!!!!!
19. Bill O’Reilly is living proof of that old saying, “If you Can’t Dazle ‘Em With Brilliance, Baffle ‘Em With Bullshit!!!!”
18. I’ve determined that what I really want in a relationship is a warm meal, a place to lay my head when I sleep and that my future wife, whoever and whereever she is, will have the ability to put up with my bullshit because even I don’t know everything.
17. Doggystyle is nothing more but Man’s way of getting closer to Nature.
16. I’ve learned that if you put an inifinite number of monkeys in front of an infinite number of computers and/or teach them data entry, they’ll do a better job than the people at AOL and Pacific Bell Customer Service.
15. Tom Green is living proof that you don’t necessarily have to have talent to make it in Hollywood.
14. There is no such thing as ‘Too Late!!!’ That’s why they invented DEATH!!!!!
13. It’s truly sad that people can still hold Elvis in high regard 25 years after his death, or believe that he’s alive. Yet, they can’t accept the fact that there are brothers who are way more talented and intelligent than him, musicians and otherwise, who will never get proper respect or compensation.
12. Hip-Hop is not the ‘Black People’s CNN’ or the new ‘Minstrel Show’. Instead, it’s another example of folks creating something that no one else never really thought before, but will end up making more money for those who never liked it from the beginning.
11. There is no ‘Hip-Hop Nation’. If anything, it’s a ‘Rap Royal Rumble’: Every man for himself and bash the sucka that’s besides you with a chair (lyrically, figuratively and, in some cases, literally)!!!
10. The Dave Matthews Band is nothing more but Hootie and the Blowfish… in reverse!!!!!
9. Vin Diesel is really a corny-ass name. It sounds like the name of a gay porn actor reject.
8. Kool Keith is a very, very troubled man… thank god he picked up the notepad and microphone.
7. Richard Pryor, Paul Mooney and George Carlin are still on point.
6. Whether it’s ‘Pop Idol’, ‘American Idol’ or ‘Making the Band’, it still spells C-R-A-P!!!!!!
5. My life may have troubles and is corny at times, but at least I know that I’m not as fucked up as those people in these frickin’ ‘Reality TV Shows’!!!!!!!!
4. Ozzy Osbourne and family are living proof that white people from England are funny as hell and no one understands what the hell they’re talkin’ about!!!!!
3. I can’t remember everything I’ve learned in Junior High, High School and College, but I still know the secret code to Contra.
2. Ed Powers is living proof that anybody can get some and that there’s chicks out there who got very, very, very low standards!!!!!
And the number 1 thing I’ve realized in my 28-year life:
1. Once you’re dead, you can’t do shit. You can’t laugh, take mess or piss. Hell, you can’t even cripwalk. Therefore, it behooves myself, and everybody else, to ride this mutha callled ‘life’ and put a chokehold on death as long as possible… FUCK DYING!!!!!!!
And, on that note, thanks for listening and remember:
Just Because You Got Teeth, That Doesn’t Mean You Gotta Bite!!!!