ARTICLE: The return of the man who never came back

Return of the man who never came back (By DJ MF)

So what’s the real reason behind MF not writing anything for altrap.com in the last, oh, 6 months or so? Quite simple. The colour sucked. I mean, really, who the hell wanted to look at the visual equivalent of diahrrea while trying to get their fix of hip hop news and reviews online? Brown? Taupe? Beige? Orange? Honestly. Someone should have deported A to the L for that shit.

Oh right.

So anyways, the damn thing is back in effect again. Black and blue like your moms after she gave me lip. Looking good Lucky Charms, looking good. Now all you need to do is up my shit. Fuck the alphabet. My shit is too next level for the alphabet, and I damn sure as hell deserve to be listed higher than DAP and Scav. What the hell kind of name is Scav anyways?

Of course the other reason you see me writing shit again is because CHIX DIG WRITERS.

It’s been some time since I spun last. My records are collecting dust and valuation in my closet. It’s kind of sad really. I look over right now and see an empty Nike Shox box on top of one crate. That’s what it has come to- the records are box jockeys. But where was I- spinning. So yeah, I’m at the local spot that does a token hip hop night once a week, and in between bouts of ‘Getting Jiggy With It’ and ‘Phenomenon’, the DJ spins ‘Why’ by Jadakiss, complete with Kay Slay yelling ‘DRAMA KING’ every 3 seconds over the top of it. Except replace ‘spins’ with ‘pushes play on Winamp’ and you’d have a better approximation. The offense is obvious enough.- who the hell wants to play that crow noise making idiot in a club anyways. But my more major issue is why the hell hadn’t the DJ found a way to get, you know, a REAL copy of the record? It’s been what, 8 months since the single dropped? Once again, I hate hip hop.

My most recent purchase has been the newest Xzibit album. I’ve noticed that too many people have been shitting on this album, apparently because it doesn’t ‘elevate’ Xzibit to superstar status. Huh? Did I fucking miss something here? Let’s face the facts people- Xzibit is through making groundbreaking music. What he does do is make good music. This is what happens when you break in the mainstream like he has. Risks become a no no. For what it is, “Weapons of Mass Destruction” is a fine lyrical album, laced with funky beats that Xzibit generally doesn’t sound his best over. Is that succinct enough? Fuck a full length review.

13 Things That Sucked In 2004

1) Kanye West- yeah his album didn’t suck. But the man sucked. But really, it’s nice to see that everyone in music is pretentious, even the God fearing rappers.

2) Madvilliany- get over it already.

3) Eminem- to a level that many thought unthinkable as recently as 1 year ago. “Encore” will be a big featured portion on the ‘downfall’ segment of his VH1 Behind The Music special. The part 15 minutes before the ‘ressurection’ segment where he teams up again with childhood hero Professor X to record the comeback album of 2013.

4) Vincent Lamar Carter- You fucking sissy pansy assed soft motherfucker. But your shoes are dope.

5)Steve Jobs- why you gonna go and replace the dope looking iMac G4 with the ugly as fuck iMac G5 and ruin my whole 2005 computer buying experience? Was the world screaming for a 25 pound iPod motherfucker? Was it?

6) Portable phone batteries dying out- you know what I mean. The thing just keeps losing charge faster and faster, till eventually you’re talking with people for a minute and the thing is beeping like one of those self destruct messages from Mission Impossible, so you have to run to the next room to grab the old ass phone that you have that has huge buttons and is corded. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

7) WiFi- fuck convenience. What’s so convenient about getting your signal dropped just as you’re downloading some dope porn?

9) The number 8.

10) Kobe- self-explanatory ain’t it?

11) Street’s Disciple- will people ever stop splooging over every pseudo-grandiose album Nas makes long enough to realize how enormous of a hypocrite he really is? In retrospect, Jigga spoke the truest lines in their battles. But Nas still won. Don’t get it twisted.

12) Crickets- for escaping and hiding in my floorboard for an entire week until facing an untimely death.

13) Fat Joe- you finally break out with the largest hit of your career. Where’s the fucking follow up? Did I miss something? Honestly.

14) Cappadonna- you thought you could hide behind the dopeness of the Theodore Unit huh? Guess again.

15) Method Man- why even bother?

16) Jadakiss- CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW!

17) Fax machines- why is it that unless you get a commercial flat load model, a new fax machine will try and feed 4 pages through at once. How can we send people into space, but we can’t design a sub-$100 fax machine that will take one sheet at a time?
18) EA Sports- way to kill the competition and ensure that no one will be there to push you to make good games anymore.

19) (late addition) Minnesota Vikings- Arizona last year and Washington this year. Congratulations on proving your overratedness year in and year out.

Things That Didn’t Suck In 2004

1) Everything else I didn’t mention.

The end.

MF

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