WTFIGO? A work of genius…


Hiphop content – none. But this is a literary masterpiece, and deserves to be archived somewhere.

A short story about a concrete dwarf called Roger Wallblower

Roger Wallblower was a concrete dwarf of some repute, his ability to crush small sandwiches in his flying canoe was known throughout Wilmslow. He decided that he would rather boil his own head in a broth than roll terrapin shells along his neck anymore; so he purchased a motorised canoe on wheels and set off for the hills.

In the hills he found an ample supply of sweet peas which he rubbed into his hamstring. He found that this enabled him to not only smoke cheese but also to eat as much Icelandic cabbage as he wanted.

Two months were lost in a haze of cabbage excess and cheese smoking and eventually Roger decided to do something positive with his life. He enrolled on an underwater welding course with an old goat and a stack of trolleys. He got a good mark in the final exam and boarded a steamroller for Peru.

Upon arrival in Peru he began work for the Peruvian underwater welding and egg company. He fell into the hands of the Peruvian Free Range Egg Society who were incensed about the rising cost of carpet plugs and accessories. He grew his hair long and learnt some crazy peruvian folk songs. He also stopped cutting his toenails, which led to him getting the nickname Handsome Pete.

Handsome Pete decided that he had to get to the hills again in order to assess his life. He had found the leader of the Peruvian Free Range Egg Society to be a nauseating man more concerned with wine, pogo sticks and raleigh grifters than eggs and carpet plug prices. He managed to purchase a second hand clock and rode it into deepest Peru where he began meditating and living off spiders, mules feet and strawberry jelly.

However just as he began to feel as if spiritual enlightenment was in his grasp, the hills were invaded by a group of American hole pinchers. They ran about the grass and ate most of the jelly. Handsome Pete was fed up and cut his toenails, returned to the name Roger Wallblower and booked a llama trek back to Styal.

When he arrived back in Styal he was horny as hell having given up sex during his long toenailed handsome Pete phase. He broke into Styal ladies prison and had sex with the wardens dog. With that out of his system he embarked on a new career. A flying canoe salesman.

He managed to land a big contract to supply flying canoes to a company based in Denmark. On a trip over there to finalise the deal he fell in love with a moose called Barney. Despite the age and species difference, they settled into a small flat and began living from Barney’s wage packet. He worked as an accountant for a band of travelling gimp warriors.

The gimp warriors were a friendly bunch and soon Roger was accompanying them on their travels around Scandinavia. Around three months later he broke up with Barney after finding him licking a tree trunk with a squirrel and a lollipop. However he was enjoying being a fully fledged gimp warrior until an incident in a bar in Oslo.

The warriors were singing “fish and chips make me feel like a disco” when some crazy lads from Norway started to throw beer mats at the roof. The warriors began crying and ran to hide under their hotel beds. Roger was disgusted and, after gutting several small fish to make shoes for local Eskimos, he jibbed a bus to Slough.

When Roger arrived in Slough he was fed up and depressed. He had to face up to the fact that he’d wasted a year on travel, free range eggs, a moose called Barney and Danish Gimp Warriors. He wanted a nice normal life, so he took a job as a car clamp washer. He worked in a little cardboard box and was given a paper suit to wear. After a while saving up he put a deposit down on a nice metal dice to live in. He bought a second hand cart and joined the local fruit squashing club.

Just as he thought his life was getting normal, the SCTKCCW (Slough Collaboration To Kill Car Clamp Washers) hijacked his metal dice and painted it blue. They burnt his cart and tickled his armpits. After a week of this treatment, with his nice domestic life in Slough finished and having been banned from the fruit squashing club for sneezing during countdown, he left for Wilmslow and his old life.

On arriving in Wilmslow, Roger finally hit upon a winning idea and began beating up small children and stealing their plug sockets. He stored the sockets and began to build a giant motorbike which could take him to his mecca, Rawtenstall.

However tragedy struck on the way to Rawtenstall. He stopped off in Bacup and bumped into the Danish gimp warriors. They were unhappy about the bar incident and kidnapped Roger and murdered him by swinging his shoes over his toes and sucking his knee caps.

There ends the short story about Roger Wallblower, one of the best concrete dwarves I’ve even known.

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