Half the blogging world will probably do this, but hey – what the hell. As I haven’t written anything of substance in a minute, I figured I’d type as I watch the 2006 BET Awards. Pictures will follow to help break up the anticipated ‘mountains’ of text
once I steal them from somewhere (thank you Gettyimages.) And of course BET will rerun this shit for the next 5 months anyway so you’ll always be able to catch it.
Beyonce opens. She has a dead poodle on her head, but ‘she’s ready’, and at least she’s singing live. This ‘Deja Vu’ shit is wack though. Whoops, spoke too soon, she’s still singing but the mic is by her side while she’s having a minor epiletic fit. Oh, what a shock – Jigga is here! Yawn. He drops his sixteen and fucks off again, leaving his woman limping around the stage doing the Mary J Blige ‘manwalk’ dance. The crowd laps it up.
Wow, there’s a gang of guests for this shit – it promises to be complete shit.
Damon Wayans looks like he just stepped out of 1930. His ‘hilarious’ rap impressions are ‘raucously’ received by the audience. With complete silence. LOL @ Damon.
Onstage once more –
Jay-Z again Jimmie Walker. I bet Camron sells at least another 10 copies of “Killa Season” as people put 2 and 2 together. And Janet Jackson moved all that belly fat down to her ass. Oh shit, she still sounds like Michael. And that dress is about to malfunction – she stills needs to drop about another 100 lb, the chubby mare.
Missy Elliott wins best Hiphop video. Oh the irony. She isn’t there to collect the award, but Janet says she’ll make sure she ‘gets it’ (no Ellen DeGeneres).
A pimp in a white suit comes on stage, but as BET cut ‘smoothly’ to the ads, we don’t find out who it is. What the fuck is this Keyshia Cole advert? Apparently she’s rode her two songs to a new documentary program thing. WTFIGO?
A murdering crook introduces TI. Wow, his sound is really fucked up. Obviously they’ve tried to drop the beat out and let this orchestra play his shit live… unfortunately someone forgot to wake the soundman up, so the only thing we can hear is some Billy Preston reject church organ-ing the bassline, while TI and his weedcarriers stumble over the words. This is obviously not planned – it sounds like poo. TI’s gone down into the audience looking to murder the soundman, but has to settle for giving DL Hughley a pound instead (nh). Oh shit, someone’s obviously noticed 4 minutes into the song that something sounds wrong, and has brought the real instrumental back in completely off-beat with the ‘live’ version. TI & co being the polished performers that they are, stop in the middle of a line to catch their place, completely fucking up their flow. Jokes for day. LOL @ “I’m a professional”. Obviously he forgot to add the word ‘clown’.
Snoop & Icecube are presenting some award. LOL @ pathetic attempt to break 200,000 sales. I’m mad they sonned Milli Vanilli too. Ah, the ‘Best New Artist’ award. Chris Brown is a cert here. Hold up – how are Chamillionaire, Rhianna or Paul Wall new artists? Have these muhfuckas just been tossed in here to ensure Browny wins it? Yup. Why is he coming on stage with two big fuck-off bodyguards? Does he carry THAT much lunch money? This shit is boring so far…
Tigger is gay. Ipso. Facto. Cunto.
Kanye shaved. It exposes his hairlip. He introduces Jamie Foxx who proceeds to begin bouncing like he’s had one too many pepsis. He moans and groans for a bit and then introduces Fantasia, who’s obviously been pulled out of the closet with all of last year’s award show tat. Nothing like a bit of recycling eh? She sounds like a bag of strangled cats. And looks like one too. And Jamie has just kissed
a man her. With tongues. I want to throw up. Fantasia just sounds like she’s in the middle of throwing up. Anyways, Foxxy is singing ‘Do What It Do’, which is also featured on this fine mix cd. Go buy one today – it sounds better chopped and screwed anyway (nh). Wow, she’s back on stage, and sounds no better. Thankfully they’re done.
The Nick Cannon and Katt Williams ‘hilarious’ double act announce Lebron James as Athlete of the Year. Not a difficult pick – Kobe’s ass was never gonna win anything, Shaq is hardly an ‘athlete’, and Tiger ain’t Hiphop enough for this crowd. Lebron was the logical choice for any show dumb enough not to feature D.Wade as a contender. Fools.
DMX has a show too now on BET. He’ll be locked in a mansion with 20 women and will gradually whittle that number down to one single female who’s the perfect love match for him. Or something. Fuck these wack ass shows and whoever clears them. I refuse to watch any more until they give one to Tha Liks.
Chris Brown is performing on a platform. That shit is wobbling like Janet Jackson’s paunch – be careful lil boy! Lil Wayne is on stage, swoll up (nh) and looking like he’s been throwing
Trina some weights around for the past couple of months. He’s playing hype man, while his pants battle gravity and young Christopher gets his ‘Usherlake’ on in one of Diddy’s finest shiny blue shirts. The minstrel show is in full effect as he backflips all over the stage and then gets into a flying metal bucket. He’s ‘looking for a lady right now’. Hey, why not pick that one who’s obviously been strategically placed to make it look like she’s been sitting there all night, waiting for her chance to hop in a flying basketball hoop with a horny teenager? That shirt is a fucking abomination.
They say the camera adds 10 to 20 pounds. Add Rhianna into the equation, stand her next to Monique, and the ‘larger-than-life’ comedienne looks like Janet Jackson in January. Best male R’n’B artist. Oh shit, Prince won it, and he’s got a professor’s pipe! (nh). You know that he and Katt Williams are related… somehow, somewhere, there’s some midget pimp blood in their fam.
Who the fuck is Terrence? Where’s Phillip? I wish they’d stop telling us Mary J Blige and Keyshia Cole are performing… why don’t they just let them perform together thus killing the two-whiny-bitches-with-annoying-songs bird with one well placed paving slab?
Sponsored by Red Lobster, Damon Wayans introduces Mary. She’s wearing a fine pair of artificial legs, and a rather fetching denim outfit. It seems too that they’ve been able to pull that Princess Leia braid off the back of her head at last, replacing it with a long horse’s mane, which only partially obscures the big zipper up her rear end. I wear my pants like this for Eazy access baby! Both these songs are shite. And she’s doing the manwalk. I’m going for a slash.
Nobody has been really that impressive so far. Quelle surprise.
O-Dog and Carter’s wife from ER (well apart from that, that MI flick, and Cookie in that Pac flick, what else is Thandi Newton known for?) announce TI as’Best Male Hiphop Artist’. I see they finally sorted that song out for him… only 40 minutes too late though. TI delivers the sermon on the mount and everyone bounces.
They’re really pushing this Keyshia Cole show. LOL @ the ‘future of R’n’B’ tag as she comes out and her voice cracks all over the shop. This ‘Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove’ joint makes me want to stab myself in the testicles. Several times. With something blunt. At least she looks half-decent tonight – a world away from her dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards normal look… it seems someone else is going to win the famed H.A.M. award tonight.
Oh Christ. Plug alert. Here comes Sean. WHERE THE FUCK IS INDIA ARIE’S HAIR?!? Jesus. Diddy gets massive applause for turning some lights off. And then confirms that the sound engineer has been killed for what happened to TI earlier. Plug 1 – BUY THAT JUNG JOC ALBUM BITCHES. (I GUARANTEE IT WON’T SOUND AS BAD AS THIS MOTHERFUCKER BESIDE ME IS NON-RAPPING IT RIGHT NOW.) What the fuck is wrong with these artists who don’t have a strong live show? Rapping over your own vocals is wack as fucking fuck. Plug 2 – Wanwear.com – who the fuck is that idiot?
Best female R’n’B artist award. Please let Kojak win! Please let Kojak win! Please let Kojak win! Fuck. Heather Mills-McCartney won. Meh. Damn Mary get off the fuckin stage, its not a eulogy ffs.
(Plug 3: The Yung Joc ad banner over the stage. BTW – What the hell was Chingy’s name doing there earlier btw? How does he have any money left to be able to afford that placement?)
Damon Wayans looks like he just fell out of a bar somewhere. Oh shit, he sounds like it too – he’s just announced that his brothers’ movie is coming out SeptembJanuJuly 14th in theaters’. I thought there was a Cristal boycott?
Here’s Busta. There’s Gabrielle Union. She’s going to meet Busta ‘at the bottom’. I hear he likes meeting at the bottom (no Spliff Star.) This ‘I Love My Bitch/Chick’ joint doesn’t get any better either. He is fucking killing this ‘Touch It’ joint though – Yung Joc take some ‘live notes’. Rah Digga is still my favourite emcee (after Monie Love – the automatic number one.) Hey… I though Missy wasn’t there? Obviously she definitely does want Janet to hand deliver her ‘award’ later. Heh. Papoose sounds really good live. Unfortunately that won’t stop him shipping wood. Eminem! Yawn. LOL @ the R.I.P. shouts, when the man knows who pulled the trigger on his bodyguard and won’t give it up.
Wayans is shitfaced. WTFIGO? Oh shit, here come the other 89 members of the fam. Its the ‘In Living Color’ Reunion, and Keenan looks like he gets two snaps straight up and down, the big bald homosexual. Best collaboration award? Please give it to Bow Wow and Ciara – I love uncomfortableness… that shit would be painfully funny for about 4 seconds. Fuck… ALL the Wayans brothers are on crack… I guess they won’t be invited back next year. Big Head and Ray Charles won.
Who the fuck is Roxi? Why does she have false elf ears on?
SNAKES ON A PLANE AD!!!!!!!!!!!! The 2006 ‘Passenger 57’. Not bad meaning good but bad meaning bad. (Which in this case means good.)
This show is too fucking long.
Vivicia Fox’s crooked chest is trying to look cute. Unfortunately despite the regal appearance we all know that under that pretty dress, one titty is going to the store while the other is already coming back with the change. David Banner looks smooth (nh). ‘Like A Pimp’ ™. Mary Mary are boring… wtf is this prom dance shit?
Wayans is FUCKED UP. Jagged Edge look like they just stepped out of the bodega. Best Gospel Award. Who really cares? I ain’t feeling godly right about now – I need to piss again. The porn fiend wins, and comes on stage looking like a professional Professor Griff impersonator. To Kirk, everything is incredible. Except for this award show, Kirk, dunny. Except for this award show.
Steve Harvey’s teeth are going to present the Lifetime achievement to Chaka Khan. Camera cut to Remy Martin to reveal that she’s not pushing hard for the H.A.M award either… a new contender tonight perhaps it seems. Stop rabbiting Steve, and bring the big girl out. Ten years later, Chaka Khan finally
waddles comes to the stage, and actually looks very good, despite the Beyonce-like out of control wig, the big heifer. The tribute performance is off the chain though… Prince playing bass, Stevie Wonder on keyboards, and Yolanda Adams and Michelle N’Degeocello India Arie on the vocals. Prince is a FUCKING PIMP. And India Arie is definitely NOT her hair. Or anyone else’s. Chaka’s new look is not a good one – she looks like she’s hiding inside a roll of carpet. She’s performing ‘Through The Fire’ – please keep Lockjaw off the stage… you know his ignant ass will want some credit for ‘re-popularlizing’ Chaka Khan. Damn, this woman can fucking BLOW (nh). Spliff Star take note. For real though, Chaka is throwing down… ‘I Feel 4 U’ sounds dope, with Prince and Stevie again supporting her perfectly… unfortunately for the Hiphop class of 2006, the ‘established performers’ are showing the younguns what a ‘live performance’ really is. Yung Joc’s performance is looking even worse (if that was possible) with each passing second.
Wayans has splashed some water round his face, but is still slurring more than a stroke victim.
Harry Belafonte piece on now. Danny Glover is rambling a little too long, and you know that these hyperactive kids ain’t down with these old guys talking about humanitarian shit. You know they all eat meat these days. Harry looks good for his age, but he sounds like Rita Cosby a little too much for my liking. Need…. more…. sugar…. For real though, Mr Belafonte’s speech is very, very stirring, and probably one of the best (and definitely the most important) pieces of this entire show so far. You know BET are gonna follow this up with some ignant-ass muhfuckas though – its that type of show.
Wayans wants us to ‘soak up that spirit’. Like he’s been doing all night. The wino.
Shame, not Dem Franchize Boyz… its Ne-Yo and he sounds like Usher. That man’s penis must be aching tonight the way Ne-Yo and Chris Brown have been tarzan-ing off it all night.
Tigger is still fucking flaming. And at least this Julissa bitch doesn’t have to hold a mic tonight – seriously, next time she’s on TV check how she holds the chrome (no Jenna Jameson.) The biggest BET fan in the country looks a little um… slooooooooooow. The movie ‘Radio’ comes to mind. Chris Brown wins the viewers’ choice thing. He brings Ne-Yo up on stage, and the 2 half-Ushers finally combine as one. This show better be over soon… I need to sleep.
Outkast are presenting the ‘Video Of The Year’ award and damn, Big Boi is also rocking the Mary J Mills McCartney Prosthetic limbs tonight too. These video choices are awful… but Mary splits the award with Lockjaw. I guess they had to give that big-headed fucker something to keep him quiet… the ‘BET don’t love Kanye’ bylines were already being scribbled by his ‘interior decorators’ I’m sure. Mary has no drawers on btw.
Prince closes. He was good. I’m tired. I’m going to bed. (No homo this whole paragraph.)
Overall, I should have waited for the highlights. Meh.